When I had my first son, I had no idea what I was doing. I'd never even changed a diaper. I went to expensive classes about caring for a baby, read books and watched YouTube videos, but none of it remotely prepared me for how to look after a newborn. Now I've done it twice. And I've realized that the formula is actually incredibly simple. So simple that you can capture it on a post-it note with just a few words. It's a basic recipe that works like a charm. Why oh why didn't the hospital just send me home with this post-it note? It would have made my life so much easier. I guess there is a lot of money in the baby industry and complicating things means you can sell your special, complex formula. Or maybe it is just hard to summarize something that has a lot of moving parts.
Either way, this is it - the easy 'how to' approach to looking after a newborn baby:
I read so many books about sleep and feeding, but no-one summed up what the rhythm of a new baby's day should look like. And once you have a rhythm you, other caregivers and your baby know exactly what should happen when. Which, particularly when you're sleep deprived and your baby is learning how to 'be' in the world, creates a system of sanity for everyone.
To expand on what the post-it note is summarizing, the ONLY thing that all the experts agree on is, more-or-less:
Daytime is 7am-7pm(ish). During the day you interact and play with your baby during his or her wake windows. This is where the post-it note applies.
Nighttime is 7pm-7am(ish). During this time you eliminate the 'doing' part of the cycle. You keep interactions with your baby low-key and unstimulating.
Sleeping is in as dark a room as possible. No night lights. Keep it cool. Sound machine recommended, placed outside their sleep space. Baby sleeps on their back. Most babies sleep better in a swaddle early on (although it may seem like they don't when you're first putting them in it).
Feeding is done when baby wakes up from sleep. You are teaching them the difference between day and night. So during daytime, greet them from their nap and feed them in a place with natural light.
Doing is for anything else, done after feeding. This includes diaper changes, tummy time, filing nails, clothing them, dancing round the room singing silly songs.
The 90 minute wake window is extremely important. I read about 10 books about baby sleep and this was one of the few things they all agreed on. Ignore this at your peril. I believe this is the most overlooked part of having a happy newborn. Watch for signs of tiredness like yawning or a glazed look in the eyes. DO NOT GO OVER 90 MINUTES. Not only that, start putting your baby down at least 10 minutes before you hit the 90 minutes. That babe needs to be drifting off at the 90 minute mark. Do not feed your baby unless it is part of your bedtime ritual or your baby is desperate. Babe will soon learn that feeding happens when they wake up. If you are out and about, can't get them to a dark room and they're not falling asleep in a stroller, put them in an unstructured carrier like the Solly wrap and walk or sway them to sleep. Do not waiver: if they're overtired, they will often be more upset for the initial 5-10 minutes (or more) and your job is to calm, soothe, lead them into sleep. A book like The Happiest Baby on the Block is a good read of how to do this effectively. Mostly, though, you will quickly learn what works for your individual baby and the real trick is having the confidence to believe and stay the course. Create a ritual that is the same every time. It can be as simple as turning off the light, putting on the sound machine, swaddling them, singing them a lullaby and then lying them in a bassinet. Put them down drowsy but awake. Beware: anything you incorporate into your sleep ritual will have to be done every time. So make your life easy, keep it simple. Habits are hard to break and you sure don't want to be walking round nursing a heavy toddler to sleep later down the road.
If you follow this approach, soon everyone on the team gets in sync and you all know where you are. When your baby cries a little once they've been up for an hour and a half, you know it is because you've accidentally pushed them into over-tiredness and they need you to facilitate sleep, not because they need more food. The biggest mistake I made the first time around was mistaking tiredness for hunger and keeping the poor kid up, making it worse by trying to nurse him. I noticed this happening to new moms in my baby group when it was my second rodeo, who'd exclaim 'oh I don't know why he's being so fussy' when the baby was simply overstimulated. Even knowing all this, I still fell into that trap in the hospital right after my second was born. Trust me: follow The Cycle.
There is a very long list of things that experts do not agree on, like where the baby should sleep (American Academy of Pediatrics: a crib or bassinet; La Leche League: in the bed with a breastfeeding parent). There are also many things that are baby dependent, such as how long swaddling will be effective and safe. I highly recommend Emily Oster's content for getting to the crux of what is actually evidence-based in all things child-rearing, not just expert opinion. You can read her blog, buy her books or listen to her podcast. I can't say enough good things about her work.
I hope that the post-it note simplification helps you as it did me. It really was like discovering a secret formula. Outside of what I've captured there, the rest of my approach was a mix of learning what we know (evidence-based facts from Emily Oster, for example), absorbing what we think we know (different expert opinions - of which there are so, so many), adding gut instinct, blending it up with a good dose of hope and settling on what felt best for our family. Once your baby reaches 3 months and leaves the newborn stage, the foundation you have set with these great habits from The Cycle will carry you through to any system you want to implement, whether it is a rigid schedule, baby-led, or something in between.
Congratulations on your baby and all the very best of luck with settling into a gentle, enjoyable rhythm with them!